Q: Is masturbation really a sin? It doesn’t seem to be hurting anyone, right?
A: Actually… it is harmful. And, because it’s harmful, it’s a sin. Here’s why…
Sex is meant to be a loving communication between two people in marriage—it says “I give myself (body, heart, mind and soul) to you forever and completely.” When masturbating, with whom are you communicating? No one. What could you possibly be communicating? Masturbation directs sex inward, a selfish drive to be personally satisfied. That is why it is often a very lonely activity. However, sex is actually meant to be the exact opposite of lonely and selfish. God above did not create sex for you to have it with yourself. Sexuality is a part of who you are, and it is natural to want to fulfill your desires, but there is an appropriate place for sexual pleasure—marriage. In marriage, the pleasure is infinitely coupled with the communication of love and intimacy between man and wife.
Although it seems harmless, masturbation is harmful to you and others in several ways—and yes, even though you are usually alone, it does hurt others. Here’s how:
-
You hurt yourself because it fixates your mind on an unhealthy sexual expression. Most likely, it is your mind that brings you to the point of masturbating, either with the help of pornography or your own fantasy. When your mind entertains impure thoughts, impure acts soon follow (or desires are repressed and come out in other unhealthy acts). If an impure thought enters your mind—that is not a sin, but dwelling on it, or entertaining such a thought, is going too far. For example, if you’re on a diet but constantly daydream about donuts and chocolate sundaes, etc., what do you think will happen when the next donut is offered to you, especially if you’re hungry? It will be very difficult to resist. The same is true with sexual acts. If you want a loving and healthy relationship now and a loving sexual relationship in marriage, your thoughts need to be focused on healthy expressions of love.
-
You damage sex. When masturbating, you are not having sex, or thinking of sex, the way it was created to be. Masturbating completely focuses on the physical aspect of sex, ignoring entirely the emotional, intellectual and spiritual bonding. In fact, masturbation subconsciously blocks out these other natural aspects of marital sex. If you train yourself to experience sex for the selfish physical pleasure only, you damage the emotional, intellectual and spiritual power of sex. Then, when you want sex to be a gift, of your heart, mind, soul and body, to the one person you love more than anything in this world, it is not—it is just a physical thing. You miss out on the true meaning and experience of sex.
-
Due to the two prior reasons listed, masturbation hurts others through your relationships—those for whom you care deeply. When dating, even if your intention is to respect and honor the person you are with, your mind and “secret” actions are focused on your own physical pleasure. Without realizing it, your tendency might be to push the relationship quickly into physical sexual pleasure. Moving too quickly physically in a relationship almost always ruins what could have been a good relationship.
In marriage, you see the effects of masturbation when you try to give yourself to our spouse during intercourse. There have been thousands of married couples that lack emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy in their sex lives. For such couples, sex in marriage is no different than those self-seeking moments of pleasure from their past. This causes great strain in a marriage. Sex is meant to be the super-glue of the heart in marriage—to keep couples together through the struggles of life. When sex is primarily physically, a decision made long before marriage, it does not have the capacity to bond a couple emotionally and spiritually as it is meant to do. Great sex in marriage starts with our attitudes and actions long before marriage.
Therefore, “masturbation, when done with full knowledge and consent of the will, is a sin. I realize that masturbation can be a fairly easy habit to fall into, particularly for adolescent boys. The habit, like other sexual habits, can be fueled by underlying issues—loneliness, lack of real love, and so forth.
The best thing to do in this situation is to pray, to strive to identify and address any underlying causes, and to work diligently to break the habit. This is not something you will be able to do alone. You absolutely need to find a good confessor—a priest whom you trust completely, who understands the problem, and who wants to help you. He doesn’t need to know your name, but if you are not going face to face, he should have some way of identifying you as the same person each time. It is easiest to tell him at least your first name. Remember you certainly won’t shock him.
In addition to your confessor, there may be someone else you trust who would be willing to help you talk through some of these issues. If this is the case, by all means go ahead. There is also an excellent book on the subject called My Beautiful Feeling, by Walter and Ingrid Trobisch.
I receive letters periodically from people who are actually addicted to masturbation. This is the first stage of sexual addiction. These people tell me that their addiction has damaged and in some cases ended their marriages. They are very unhappy and wish they had dealt with the problem while it was still manageable.” (Bonacci, “Real Love” p 196 – 202)
If you are struggling with masturbation, know that many people have been in the same place as you, and that God can help us through anything. Jesus was fully human and tempted in every way man is tempted, so rest assured that Jesus understands. And, know that you can trust Him, because although He was tempted, He did not succumb. We can find courage through Christ, who strengthens us. Many women and men are now living healthy lives, in healthy relationships, even if masturbation has been a part of their past, because they lean on Jesus, and other Christian guidance, to not succumb to temptation.
If you are not struggling, continue to pray to keep purity in your heart, mind and body. This is the best way to live your sexuality the way it was created. Don’t settle for less.
Adapted from Mary Beth Bonacci’s book, Real Love. See Chastity Resources for more information on this book and others.
By Heather Gallagher
The REAP Team
