I don’t regret what I’ve done. Am I a terrible person?
It’s actually natural and normal to not experience the feeling of regret immediately or at all after making a mistake. But, how we feel doesn’t change what took place.
Last Friday, I had sex for the first time. I really care for this guy and do not regret having sex with him. Before we had sex he said that someday, hopefully soon, that he wants to marry me. Though I feel that I HAVE sinned, I don’t feel bad for it. Am I a terrible person???
Dear Troubled Teen,
You’re not a terrible person to not feel regret. This is logical since you haven’t experienced anything negative from your choice at this time. And, God created sex to be very good, and to feel good, forming a tight bond between man and woman. Therefore, you are simply experiencing some of the good feelings of sex with your boyfriend right now.
However, what you are experiencing now cannot last—and most likely will turn as powerfully painful as it has been good. Feelings come and go and often are not clued into reality. We feel scared when watching a horror movie, however, the logical truth is that we’re not in any more danger than before the movie began. I might have romantic feelings for a guy even though I know in my brain that he’s an illegal drug user and atheist (while I’m neither). For me to date him just because of my feelings would be unwise. Be careful about feelings—they come and go and they’re not always smart, but truth remains. Here’s the truth…
Your current feelings are not clued into reality. You feel all the good emotions of committed, intimate love, but there is no real commitment or love. This guy is not committed to honoring your body, heart, mind and soul for another minute if he so chooses. There are absolutely no guarantees that he’ll stay—he is free to leave you at anytime. Therefore, you not only must fear losing his presence in your life, but must also realize that the gift of sex becomes altered without commitment. Since either of you can leave at anytime, you just completely changed sex to be a thing of pleasure for the moment, for the length of the relationship, instead of an eternal, forever gift—what God had planned for sex. Outside of marriage, we devalue sex to be less than all it is meant to be.
Also, if the relationship ends, the consequences you both experience can be quite severe. There are consequences that exist even if you do stay with the guy through marriage. Please read our What They Haven’t Told Me article. If you really care for or love him, and if he loves you, why would you put each other at risk of harming one another, especially in the area of your sexuality? Do you think there are no other ways to show him that you care? There are tons of things you two can do together for fun and ways to show you care besides having sex—things that would not put each other at risk of any physical, emotional or spiritual harm. Doing such things would be real love.
Lastly, even if this guy does stay through marriage and you feel no harm done in your relationship with each other, there is another relationship involved in this situation. If you believe in God, if you have any relationship with God, keep in mind that you’re isolating yourself from His love by choosing to not follow His plan for your sexuality (clearly stated in the Bible). The truth is that God wants more for you than passing moments of pleasure with your boyfriend. He wants the two of you to experience real love (not putting each other at risk of such harm). He wants you to have an eternal, forever gift in marriage (not something you devalued long before marriage). He wants you to be free as a young person, not weighed down by a serious sexual relationship or with worries about sexual consequences. He wants all of this for you, because He loves you very much. If you have sex outside marriage, you choose to walk away from God’s hopes and dreams for your life, missing out on all the gifts He has in store for you. He will always love you and wants you to stay close to Him—He is the source of all love. Don’t give up on that kind of love. It is worth pursuing, it is worth giving up moments of pleasure to attain. It is far better than any love we can imagine ourselves. I have no regrets about the sacrifices I’ve made to live in this love.
The REAP website says you can repent if you’re ready. You do not HAVE to do anything; you’re free to choose whatever you’d like. But, if you’d like to start over, that is possible – whether you feel regret or not. If you’d like to be close to God again, He wants that more than you know. Please read our Do You Want a Second Chance? article and talk to your boyfriend about what you think and believe is right. You can both start over and become completely restored – God’s mercy and graces are beyond or imagination. You will always find peace in your heart when you follow God’s plan—it may not be easy, but it always ends in peace, which is an incredible feeling based on truth.
Feelings are nice and can be wonderful, but the truth is what sets us free. Make your decisions based on the truth, not just feelings.