Tom Answers “Why Wait?”
If you are looking for good answers to the question of ‘why wait?’ I want you to know I have been thinking about this for a long time, deciding what thoughts that I can offer to you. I promise to be honest and to speak from my heart.
Some people doubt the value of chastity. If you are in doubt, I want to let you know that doubt is a good thing when it leads you to ask further questions and seek out the truth. It is very important in life to form your own belief system. I hope that my humble thoughts and the other things you read in this section of our website will help to form your conscience well.
I want to share with you the reasons that kept my wife and I waiting in our relationship, and the reasons that I maintained my vow of secondary virginity from the age of 18 until I got married at the age of 26.
I think for both of us the main reason had to do with our friendship with God. We both consider God our best friend, the one who cares for us more than any other person ever could. As you know, when someone is your best friend, you highly value and seriously consider their opinion. For us, the opinion of God carries the most weight, since we believe that He is the Ultimate Lover of each of us. God loves me more than Lisa does, and God loves Lisa more than I ever could. Therefore, each of us will value God’s opinion over the imperfect opinions of one another, our friends, the world, etc. God does make it very clear that intercourse outside of marriage is a serious sin, which means that this act would hurt each of us, would hurt our relationship, would hurt others outside of our relationship, and would hurt our personal relationships with our Best Friend. When you have a best friend, the last thing that you want to do is hurt them, as I am sure you know. So, the biggest reason we as a couple chose to wait is out of a sense of trusting God, figuring that God has our best interests in mind.
As a matter of fact, we have come to accept as truth the fact that serious sin not only hurts God, but that if we do not repent, it cuts us off from God, and can also effect where we spend eternity. That’s pretty heavy stuff. Eternity is a long time to risk for some moments of pleasure. So many people who consider intercourse as recreational, or who have sex in a ‘committed’* dating relationship, would say that they really care for the other person and want what is best for the other person. But, is endangering your and/or someone else’s eternal salvation really the most loving thing?
*(a quick note: it seems to me that what so many people call a committed dating relationship simply boils down to meaning that “I will continue to steadily date you until I get tired of you or someone better comes along.” I just cannot accept that any relationship is “committed enough” for intercourse unless the ultimate, lifelong commitment of marriage has been made, so that one can fulfill the potential responsibility of having children which can result from such a union.)
It is true that some people make the choice for intercourse before (and outside of) marriage, and there seem to be no negative effects in their lives. This is a huge reason why it can seem so OK to go ahead and do it. However, I am sure that you are aware of the game of Russian Roulette. You put a bullet in the chamber of a gun and spin it, then pull the trigger. You can play this game a long time, and never get hurt. But, as a friend, I would advise people against playing this game, because you are playing with a loaded gun. You could blow your brains out and die! But, you might argue, I know people who play all the time, and they have never been hurt! Well, my response would still be to warn you, because when you play with a loaded gun you could cause permanent damage. I am absolutely convinced that sex outside of marriage is Russian Roulette.
Just a little bit more for you to consider about the fact that some people seem to suffer no negative effects from sex outside of marriage…
- Some people hesitate to be honest about their hurt, not wanting to be vulnerable.
- Some people rationalize their behavior and justify their actions because the outcome seems to be a good thing (just ask anyone currently in prison).
- Regrets are often in retrospect. There is a song by Charlie Peacock with a line that says, “Looking back, he had no idea, all that he gave away, in that awkward moment, on that summer’s day.” That certainly applies to me when I consider some of the unhealthy sexual choices I made was a teenager. They were a source of hurt for me when I finally met and decided to get married.
- All it takes is one mistake, or one unfortunate experience, to change your destiny. Ask anyone who has an STD, like someone I know, who used a condom when she was promiscuous, not realizing that for some diseases a condom is inadequate protection. She now has HPV (human papilloma virus), which could result in sterility (no kids, ever!) for her, increases her risk for cancer, and affects her intimacy with her husband.
I firmly believe that chastity is part of a healthy lifestyle. The decision to remain chaste will increase your self-esteem, give you high moral values, and helps you to get to know people for who they really are. Not living a life of chastity can result in potential disease, wondering about whether you are liked for who you are or for what you ‘put out’, spiritual damage, emotional damage, and ghosts from past relationships.
In 12+ years of youth ministry work, I have met a lot of people who regret being sexually active. I have not met anyone who regrets living a life of chastity. Chastity is God’s plan, and it is the ultimate form of sexual freedom. I urge you to seriously consider making a commitment to chastity.