Tom’s Regrets and Second Chance
He never made a decision for chastity as a teen. Read about Tom’s regrets for not making such a decision and see why he’s so glad he started over and what he thinks of sex these days (it might surprise you).
In life, a lot of us have regrets, either because of decisions we made or because of decisions we never made. When I was growing up, I never made a decision for chastity.I think it was because I never heard the message of chastity explained in a way that really made sense to me.
In my relationships with women, I felt like I respected women—I would never go further physically than what she wanted, but if I wasn’t told to stop, I wouldn’t. And, if I were told to stop one time, I would just wait a while and try again. That was a sinful attitude. I was wrong. I was not honoring. You see, I had no values or boundaries of my own. I would adopt the values of whomever I dated, and yet I would always push the limits.
I did have a couple of sexual relationships when I was younger, before I was married. Here are three reasons why I regret having sex before marriage…
- My wife was a virgin on our wedding night, and I wasn’t. Even though I had started over and had been practicing chastity for seven years prior to meeting my wife, and she and I lived chastity while dating, there was still a sadness that I was not a virgin on our wedding night. She had waited for me, and I had not waited for her.
- It affects my witness to other people, some of whom might not listen to me talk about chastity because for some of my life I didn’t live it. However, if I told you that I had once shot myself in the foot, and then encouraged you not to shoot yourself in the foot, you might listen, because I have learned from experience. I promise you—having sex before marriage will shoot your future marriage in the foot.
- What am I gonna tell my kids? You see, now I have kids of my own, and I want them to live a life of chastity. Even though they are young now, I know that in the future I will have “the sex talk” with each of them. There is a chance that they might ask me about my past sex/dating experiences. I regret that I will not be able to tell them I waited. I never thought about my future children and my witness to them when I was a teenager.
As I mentioned above, with God’s grace and forgiveness, I made a decision to start over and begin living a life of chastity when I was nineteen years old. It was around that time that I had made a commitment to live for Christ, and I knew that saying yes to Jesus in my heart also meant saying yes to him with my body.
So, from the age of nineteen until our wedding night at the age of twenty-six, I lived chastity as a single person. Throughout our dating and engagement period, my wife and I waited. This was totally with God’s help. Obviously, we were (and still are!) very attracted to each other. But, with God’s grace, we lived chastity. Honestly, there were times she was weak, and I was stronger. There were times when I was weak, and she was stronger. But, it was a decision we made as a couple. We knew that waiting was the right thing to do—it is part of a healthy lifestyle (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). With God’s help, and open communication in dating, we can live lives of chastity. I have no regrets at all about living a life of chastity while dating her. But I have lots of regrets about not waiting, and the decision I made in high school.
I still have the scars from my hurts with un-chastity. I always will.I am hoping that by hearing my story you can avoid such scars. But, if you do have scars, they can be used for good. They can remind us not to make the same mistakes again. They can be used to teach others to avoid the mistakes we have made.
If you have ever made mistakes in living a life of chastity, please know that starting over is always an option. I encourage you to consider starting over if you have gone too far, gone all the way, or compromised your purity in any way at all.
And, by the way, men, honor is about considering that everyone you date is somebody’s little girl, and treating her as you would like your little girl treated. This attitude of honor should apply to all women—those we talk to, look at, or might be tempted to look at in pornography. All of these women are someone’s little girl.
In conclusion, I want you to know that I am now happily married, and I want you to know that sex in marriage is excellent. It is a tremendous gift, which I praise God for. And, it is a thousand times better than it was during those awkward moments in high school. Now, it is not only good, it is great, excellent, and fun—and HOLY. God is with us when we have sex.God is always with you when you are with your girlfriend, doing whatever you do. That can be either awkward and make you feel guilty (outside of marriage), or it is beautiful and powerful in marriage. After all, sex is God’s invention, so He is with us when we do it. And I thank Him for that.